I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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