She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
