don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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