Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
