I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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