I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
