I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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