He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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