is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
3 2 1 whiskey
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
