I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
