Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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