There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
