Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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