I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
