There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
