So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
