last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
