sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
pray to the hookup gods
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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