The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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