Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Randomize
