did you get engaged???
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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