I just pynch a tree in the face
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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