i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
