apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
