I need to stop coming to work sober
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
