I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
