the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
