Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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