i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
