ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
