It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
