She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
