if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
