So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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