I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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