Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
