getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
