just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
