Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
