I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
