can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
