ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
