You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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