is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
