btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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