So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
