It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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