I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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