im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
