24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
