my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
